abscessed teeth

Anne' son told the children he works with that he lives in the ceiling of the school.  Recently he had an abscessed tooth that caused problems and so he has to have his wisdom teeth extracted.  I wrote the following to commemorate the event.   ENJOY!

CONY DAILY BLAB

LOCAL SAGE SETS STAGE:   from Winifred Wordsmith, Augusta, Me.

Ceiling Dweller, Alexander Small, started a fashion statement with his new business of tooth preservation.  Small was interviewed at his mother’s home in Sidney, Maine, just prior to having his wisdom teeth removed.  He has had an abscess form on the teeth and they need to be extracted to preserve their combined wisdom. 

Small was interviewed because he has started a new business of “Preserved Teeth Talisman”.  It has taken the country by storm and he finds that he may have to import teeth to keep up with the demand since he only has four of his own and the orders are pouring in.  Small said that his teeth will be embalmed, and then encapsulated in a clear plastic cylinder, which when attached to an appropriate chain, can be worn around ones neck.  The main selling point for this procedure is that when a cure is found for tooth decay, then the teeth will be readily available for treatment and then re-inserted in their respective slots in his mouth.  “This is a revolutionary idea whose time has come”, Small said.

His offering of such unique personal jewelry has taken Hollywood by storm.  Dazzling denizens of denouement are rushing to their favorite dentist to have the same procedure done.  Some have opted to have the operation done on proxies so that they can continue working without having any personal procedure done.

As with all innovative products, cheap knockoffs have begun to flood the market.  Producers of Shark Teeth neckwear in Honolulu have noticed a sharp drop in their shark teeth business.  The Sharks union is absolutely delighted to announce that their members can now menace surfers in the waters of Hawaii with no fear of having their teeth ripped out of their heads for attacking humans.

Three massive lawsuits, probably headed for the US Supreme court, are launched against Small and his small business.  The Dentists Union wants a cut in the profits as well as getting the fee for doing the dental work.  The anesthetists union wants protection from people who want the so called “Laughing Gas” to be the anesthetic of choice.  The anesthetists get more money if the anesthetic is administered intravenously and they are always out for a fast buck.  The third lawsuit has been set by the manufacturers of tooth pulling instruments.  They want to be sure that Small does not get extra fees for supplying string to the ”tie the tooth with string and the string to the doorknob” crowd , and so get the upper hand in the extraction process.   The doorknob manufacturers are in negotiations to try to determine if any harm will be done to the doorknobs of the nation if the string process is adopted as the manner of extraction of choice.

String manufacturers are also vying for the opportunity to supply string to Small and his business.

In any case, manufacturers of plastic cylinders to hold the teeth are in full production and the first 3 million or so containers will be ready by the end of next week.

The EPA is looking into a U-Tube upload that shows Small standing on the street corner of Augusta, Maine, hawking his idea and enrolling likely participants in his tooth embalming scheme.  It seems that selling embalmed anything without prior approval is punishable by law;  20 years hard time I suppose.

Rumblings in the CIA have been detected after what appears to be a skirmish between Small and some “knockoff” sellers;  Seems like a cultural conflict of sorts and the Mafia seems to be behind the sell off of the inferior products.  The Mafia control all sales on street corners in Maine….turf wars are vicious.

Of course the FBI has been investigating Small for years but cannot find him due to the fact that there is no postal address “In the ceiling of the school, Augusta, Maine, 04330.”

The moral of this story, if there is one, it is this, “ Never live in the ceiling of a school because it causes abscesses in your teeth”.